Look, I’m Bad at This
Let me start by saying I’m not some boundary-setting guru. I’m a recovering people-pleaser. A serial overcommittment-er. (Yes, I know that’s not a word. Deal with it.) Until about three months ago, my life was a never-ending cycle of saying yes when I meant no. And it was exhausting.
It all came to a head last Tuesday. I was at the office—let’s call it the ‘hellscape of good intentions’—and my boss, let’s call him Marcus, asked me to take on a new project. A big one. The kind that would keep me at the office until 11:30pm for the next three weeks. I opened my mouth to say yes, as usual. But then I stopped. I thought about the 214 emails in my inbox, the 36 hours of sleep I’d missed that week, and the fact that I hadn’t seen my cat, Whiskers, in days. (Don’t judge me. He’s a needy little thing.)
I said no. And the world didn’t end. In fact, it was kinda liberating. But getting to that point wasn’t easy. It took a lot of trial, error, and some helpful resources online guide helpful resources online guide.
So, here’s my story. It’s messy, it’s personal, and it’s not perfect. But it’s mine. And maybe, just maybe, it’ll help you set some boundaries of your own.
Why I Was a People-Pleasing Disaster
I think it started in high school. I was that kid who always volunteered for everything. The school play? Yes. The charity bake sale? Yes. The ‘who can stay up the longest’ contest? (Okay, maybe not that one.) I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be needed. And I was completley terrified of letting anyone down.
Fast forward to my adult life. I’m now that employee who volunteers for every project, that friend who’s always up for a last-minute road trip, that family member who can’t say no to babysitting the cousins for the 12th weekend in a row. It was like I had a neon sign on my forehead that read ‘EXPLOIT ME.’
And don’t even get me started on my physicaly and mental health. I was a walking stress ball. My friends would say, ‘You look tired.’ I’d say, ‘Oh, I’m fine!’ But I wasn’t fine. I was a mess. A tired, overworked, under-slept mess.
One day, over coffee at the place on 5th, my friend Lisa looked at me and said, ‘You’re gonna burn out. And soon.’ She was right. I was determing to prove her wrong, but deep down, I knew she was onto something.
The Turning Point
So, back to last Tuesday. The project. The no. The liberation. It was a small moment, but it was huge. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. I felt… powerful. And it was addictive.
But saying no isn’t easy. It’s not just a matter of opening your mouth and saying the word. It’s a skill. And like any skill, it takes practice. Here’s what I’ve learned so far:
First, you gotta know your limits. And I don’t mean the limits you think you have. I mean the real ones. The ones that, if you cross them, will leave you in a heap on the floor. For me, that’s about three major projects at a time. Any more than that, and I’m a goner.
Second, you gotta communicate those limits. Clearly. Calmly. Without apologizing. (This is still a work in progress for me. I tend to ramble. A lot. ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, but I just don’t think I can take on anymore right now because I have this other thing and it’s kinda big and I really wanna do a good job and…’) Yeah. It’s a problem.
Third, you gotta stick to your guns. People are gonna push back. They’re gonna say things like, ‘But we need you.’ Or, ‘Can’t you just…?’ Or, my personal favorite, ‘But you’re so good at this!’ Don’t fall for it. You’re good at a lot of things. But you can’t do them all. At least, not all at once.
And finally, you gotta practice self-care. (I know, I know. It’s a buzzword. But hear me out.) When you say no, you’re making a committment to yourself. To your well-being. To your sanity. So, take care of yourself. Sleep. Eat well. Exercise. Do the things that make you happy. And don’t feel guilty about it.
A Tangent: The Power of ‘I Don’t Know’
Now, I’m gonna go off on a bit of a tangent here. But stick with me. It’s important.
You ever notice how we’re always expected to have an answer? Right away? Like, if someone asks you to do something, you’re supposed to say yes or no on the spot. But what if you don’t know? What if you need time to think about it?
Well, let me tell you, ‘I don’t know’ is a powerful phrase. It buys you time. It gives you space to think. To consider your options. To weigh the pros and cons. And it’s a lot harder for people to push back against than a straight-up no.
So, don’t be afraid to use it. In fact, use it alot. You’ll be amazed at how much easier it makes things.
Back to the Main Point
So, there you have it. My journey to becoming a boundary-setting queen. It’s not perfect. I still slip up. I still say yes when I mean no. But I’m getting better. And that’s what counts.
And hey, if you’re reading this and you’re thinking, ‘Wow, she’s a mess,’ well, you’re probably right. But I’m a mess who’s learning. And that’s something.
So, go forth. Set those boundaries. Say no. Say ‘I don’t know.’ And for the love of all that is holy, take care of yourself. You deserve it.
About the Author
I’m Sarah, a senior magazine editor with more years of experience than I care to admit. I’ve written for major publications, interviewed countless people, and learned a thing or two about life along the way. I’m opinionated, flawed, and always working on improving myself. This is my journey, and I’m glad you’re here for it.
