I’m a People-Pleaser, and It’s Killing Me
Look, I’ll just say it: I’m a yes-person. Always have been. Back in 2007, when I was working at that tiny magazine in Portland, my editor, let’s call him Marcus, asked me to take on this massive project on a Friday at 3:47 PM. Did I say no? Hell no. I said yes, and then I cried in the bathroom for 20 minutes. Classic me.
Fast forward to last Tuesday. I was at this coffee shop on 5th, meeting with my friend Lisa. She’s a therapist, and she’s always giving me that look—you know the one. The ‘Sarah, you’re doing too much’ look. And she said, ‘You know, setting boundaries isn’t selfish. It’s necessary.’ Which… yeah. Fair enough.
Why Is Saying No So Hard?
Honestly, I think it’s because we’re all so afraid of letting people down. I mean, who wants to be that person, right? The one who says no to the big project, or the favor, or the late-night hangout? But here’s the thing: saying yes to everything is basically saying no to yourself. And that’s not cool.
I read this alot about how people-pleasing is a form of self-sabotage. And honestly, it’s completley true. You’re basically prioritizing everyone else’s needs over yours, and that’s a recipe for burnout. I should know—I’ve been there. Multiple times.
The Day I Said No (And Survived)
So, about three months ago, I decided to try something radical. I said no. To something small, at first. My colleague named Dave asked me to take on an extra feature for the magazine. And I said, ‘Dave, I can’t. I’ve got my own committment to meet.’ And you know what? The world didn’t end. Dave was a little surprised, but he got over it. And I? I felt like a million bucks.
But here’s the thing about saying no—it’s not just about the big stuff. It’s the little things, too. Like when your friend asks you to watch their cat for the 10th time this year. Or when your mom wants you to drive to Vermont to help her with some physicaly demanding task. (Seriously, Mom, I love you, but I’m not moving that piano by myself again.)
And look, I’m not saying you should become a hermit. But maybe, just maybe, you should start saying no to the things that don’t serve you. Because honestly, you deserve better than to be stretched thin all the time.
How to Say No Without Feeling Like a Jerk
Okay, so you’ve decided to start saying no. Great! But how do you do it without feeling like a complete jerk? Here are some tips that have worked for me.
First, be honest but kind. You don’t have to give a huge explanation. Just say, ‘I’m sorry, I can’t do this right now.’ And if they push, you can say, ‘I’ve made a decision, and I’m sticking with it.’ Simple, right?
Second, remember that it’s okay to say no to things that don’t align with your values or priorities. If someone asks you to do something that makes you uncomfortable, it’s okay to say no. You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone.
Third, practice. Saying no is a skill, and like any skill, it gets easier with practice. Start small, with things that don’t have a big impact on your life. And then gradually work your way up to the bigger things.
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A Tangent: The Power of Saying No to Toxic Relationships
Now, I know this is gonna sound dramatic, but hear me out. Saying no isn’t just about setting boundaries with your time or your energy. It’s also about setting boundaries with people. And sometimes, that means saying no to toxic relationships.
I had a friend once, let’s call her Emily. Emily was always drama. Always. And I was always there to listen, to offer advice, to be her emotional support. But one day, I realized that I was exhausted. I was giving her all this energy, and she was giving me nothing in return. So I said no. I said, ‘Emily, I can’t be your therapist anymore. I need to take a step back.’ And you know what? It was liberating.
So if you’re in a toxic relationship, whether it’s with a friend, a family member, or a partner, don’t be afraid to say no. Don’t be afraid to set boundaries. Because you deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be surrounded by people who respect you.
Anyway, that’s my take on saying no. It’s not easy, but it’s necessary. And honestly, it’s one of the best things you can do for yourself. So go ahead, give it a try. Say no to something today. You won’t regret it.
About the Author
Sarah Johnson is a senior magazine editor with over 20 years of experience. She’s a self-proclaimed people-pleaser who’s on a mission to set better boundaries. When she’s not editing, you can find her drinking coffee, reading, or hanging out with her cat, Whiskers. She lives in Portland, Oregon, and she’s always up for a good conversation over coffee.
